The Popsicle Chronicles
by staceleo
Summary: Her neighbors were odd and the temperature of popsicles that children ate in summer. She didn't expect to have them follow her around town. She didn't expect to try to have to try to stay alive. She really didn't expect to fall in love. Comedy, horror and some romance in short chapters. It's all Ragg Dolly's fault.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Short and silly chapters in Curve Ball style that I wasn't planning on writing about Bella and Jasper. This one is for Ragg Dolly, Soph Drea, Natalee Cherie and whoever else wants it. It was all their peer pressure to write this thing. My inspiration is Mortissues. She writes great non canon! This mess isn't my fault at all. Nope.**

**Yeah, Ed is in it. Don't get your hopes up, kids. **

The Popsicle Chronicles

Chapter 1

I'm the bringer of death.

Every single one has lost any bit of life they once possessed. They now surround my feet wilted and devoid of their former beauty.

Black should be my new go to color for clothing, because I was the Grim Reaper. Unfortunately, it washes me out so I'll stick with purple.

The slugs were crawling all over the red carcasses. They enjoyed the demise I created.

My thumb was black as night and my poor tomatoes were done for.

I had replacements for them and on this overcast day, I would try again. Mrs. Clearwater at the Garden Center said I shouldn't have planted the last batch in the full sun.

The sun probably did them in. Actually, it was more likely due to the fact that I forgot to water the poor tomatoes.

My garden was a wasteland of dead things. It was more like a plant graveyard than a plot of land that would sustain vegetable life. The weeds were barely surviving and those things could probably outlast a nuclear disaster.

I grabbed that tiny shovel thing and started to dig out the dead when I felt like I was being watched. It was almost always the same person.

"Howdy, neighbor!" I called out, angling to look at the pale blond guy who lived next door. He looked at me with his normal frown.

The guy wasn't bad looking, but he always appeared to be sucking a lemon. Not exactly a turn on.

Both hands gripped the curls on his head in frustration. He finally spit out, "Hello."

He promptly ran into his house that was surrounded by overgrown grass.

What a weirdo.

XXXXXX

Mr. Henry had been complaining for two days about the lawn next door. He would knock on my door every morning and whine about the overgrown grass. The old man would sit on my porch, drink my coffee, and bitch the morning away. Wiping away moisture from his almost bald head as he lifted up his combover, Mr. Harris would bemoan those fraternity boys who were probably drinking beer and smoking pot instead of caring for their property.

Every time I caught a glimpse of them, those guys looked like they were nauseous. Maybe they were all ill and couldn't properly care for their home?

That was why I suffered in the hot and humid weather trying to mow their grass. I was a nice person to do this. Of course, I thought that mowing might make Mr. Harris stay at his own damn house every morning. I had a manuscript deadline and listening to that coot wasted my day away.

I was dripping with sweat and stopped to wipe it off with the end of my tank top. From the corner of my eye I saw the curtain move.

Wouldn't it be considerate to offer the kind girl who is doing your yard work a cool drink? No, I guess, because it's more fun to spy on her doing your job. Assholes.

I had made quite a dent in the crazy mess of grass and weeds when my mower hit something large causing me to stop.

Crouching down, I had expected to find a basketball or football. I moved the grass away to find a rabbit's head staring up at me. It's dead, glassy eyes were mocking me.

"What the fuck!" I yelled and landed on my ass.

Quickly, I got up and noticed the curtain was open. The large boy with the dark hair was laughing at me. He had insanely deep dimples. He could hide things in those face holes.

My first instinct was correct. Assholes.

"Bella Swan, you need some help?" Mr. Henry called from out of his window. "I can call my nephew. Michael can come over in about thirty minutes."

Michael Newton was the son of Mr. Henry's sister. The guy had a boundary issues. His hand needed to touch my ass.

I looked at the head by my feet. "Don't call Mike. There's a head. A rabbit's. I guess an animal got the poor thing."

"You want a shovel, honey?" The older man asked. "Go in my garage."

I thought I heard more laughter in the mysterious house of men.

Assholes. I could now lump Mr. Harris in that category.

Chivalry is dead.

XXXXXX

"You smell clean."

It was not exactly what I expected to hear when I opened my door to see the weird blond guy. He was wearing a suit like he was going to a funeral.

I looked down at my pink, fluffy bathrobe and felt my dripping hair against my neck. "A shower has a tendency to do that to a girl. What can I do for you, Mr.—"

"You mowed my grass," he stated without giving me his name.

His eyes were yellow. They reminded me of that fancy mustard you bought in a jar. A part of me wanted to ask him for some Grey Poupon, but was certain that Mr. Lemon Face wouldn't find me amusing.

"Isabella Swan is the name." My friends call me Bella, but this man wasn't going to be my friend. "Your lawn needs a haircut. You're welcome."

"It was fine, Ms. Swan." If it was possible for him to look more annoyed, he just did.

I tightened the belt of my robe. I didn't want to show this stranger any boob, but I was certain he wouldn't care anyway. He seemed asexual. I explained, "We have a home owner association. They would have fined you. I was trying to help."

"We can handle it. Edward is an excellent gardener."

Edward must be the boyfriend. He was the good looking red head that always glared at me. They must be a couple.

"He needs to do it then, because I'm not being paid to be your landscaper. There was a rabbit's head I had to bury. Thanks for that."

"It's been sunny." He rubbed his temple like I gave him a headache. "Ms. Swan, you shouldn't step foot on our property. It isn't safe."

"What isn't safe?" I noticed him staring at my neck. I pulled my robe up slightly. I thought he was gay, but he looked liked he wanted to eat me.

He came closer. "I'm not safe, Ms. Swan."

There was an glimmer of seduction, but for me it was more—

I started laughing hysterically. I was a red belt in karate. I could totally take this guy.

"I write stories about werewolves," I said, trying to calm down. "Pale, skinny guys like you? Oh yes, you're frightening! The picture of terror!"

I laughed so hard I snorted.

"There is no reason to mock me!" He grabbed my wrist.

The neighbor was ice cold like the red, white, and blue rocket popsicles I had in my freezer. His touch chilled me, but there was an unexpected current of electricity between us. I wondered if he rubbed his feet on a rug so he could shock me.

"I'm Jasper Whitlock. I shall see you again," he said with wide eyes. He kissed the inside of my wrist. "Good-bye."

I stood and watched him flee back to his house.

A beer was called for or maybe two.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: This is my stress relief.**

**Enjoy.**

Chapter 2

Television shows have given me an unrealistic portrayal of the Fourth of July celebrations. Those images of sunny skies where families in shorts and sunglasses enjoy hot dogs while watching the parade isn't on found around these parts. In Forks, it rains every year. It rains a lot. This was another patriotic downpour.

Fireworks? Never happens, except for the illegal ones that occur on the reservation. Every year someone ends up hospitalized. Paul now sports an eyepatch. It makes him look like a swarthy pirate and he has a personality to match. Argh is not his favorite word, probably because I say it to him whenever I see him.

"This might be the best parade in the history in the town!" Jessica Stanley chortled as we huddled under her large, polka dotted umbrella. My friend has only two levels in her volume, which were loud or glass shattering. I think my eardrums just blew up.

Jess might have been confused in her estimation of our town's little celebration. There was a single, clown stumbling down Main Street and tossing lollipops at children's heads. Waylon Jennings really needed to take a break from the vodka before being around his fellow citizens. His orange wig was in crooked and his red nose was stuck in his ear.

"It just started. There is plenty of time for something to terribly go wrong." I grabbed a beer out of the cooler next to our feet. "Beer, Jess?"

Her eyes light up as I handed her the can. "Hook me up, girl. Hey isn't those the guys who live next to you?"

Across the street, I saw my tall neighbors looking like mannequins you'd find in a store. They stood so still that they might as well be modeling overpriced khakis. It amazed me that in this drizzly rain that their outfits remained perfectly pressed and the mens' hair was frizz free. My hair looked like I stuck my finger in an electric socket. This wet weather was not my friend.

"It seems they want to hang around us common folk," I observed. A chill ran up my arms. Instead of looking at the float decorated in limp crepe paper in balloons which the Fork's Senior Center Banjo Brigade rode while playing patriotic ditties off-key, the neighbors were staring at me.

Jessica regarded them thoughtfully. She screeched, "They sure are hotter than the guys around here."

She had a point. At this moment, Michael Newton was flexing for her in a tank top and ripped up jeans. I warned her not to go home with him that night at the bar when she was drunk. One night of ill advised sexual hijinks and Jess had an unwanted admirer for life.

"Not too shabby," I said trying to sound cool. They might appear anemic, but as a whole they were attractive. "Usually they're dressed like they work in the Cope's mortuary. The casual wear is helpful in blending in."

I heard a loud snort and looked over to the men. The large, dark haired one had a smirk on his face. Amazing. It seemed one of them did have an ounce of humor at something. It must have been the Quileute tribe's Dance of the Wolves. Jacob Black was in the lead this year, dressed from head to toe in furs. He didn't look happy at all as he and the other wolves started to attack what appeared to be Revolutionary Soldiers.

I muttered, "This is horribly inaccurate. Poor Jake looks like he wants to hide under a rock."

"You should really write them a new script to perform. You're a werewolf expert." Jessica shook her head at the dramatic mess before us. "This is getting more ridiculous every year."

"I offered my help to Jared and he declined. One script writing class and that kid thinks he's the next Scorsese," I scoffed. It began to rain harder and I moved closer to Jessica. "He said I knew bullshit about real werewolves. Since they are imaginary, I think Jared needs to lay off of the recreational mushrooms."

Jessica giggled and several people around us winced at the sound. "You should write frightening vampire stories."

"I vant to vuck your vlood," I hissed and dissolved into laughter. "Vampires are played out, Jess. They have become prissy, romantic leads. They have been neutered by females who live for sexual fantasies that are one step up from seedy Harlequin novels. I'll stick with snarling, furry man beasts terrorizing the villages."

There was no reason why I did it, but I couldn't help looking at Jasper Whitlock. He looked seriously annoyed as he continued to stare in my direction. Obviously, his parents were terrible at teaching manners. Staring with disgust at your neighbor isn't cool.

"There's a vampire right now," Jessica observed, as we watched Lauren Malloy strut over to Jasper and his roommates. "Lauren has her prey in her sights. Poor guys better run."

At one time, Jessica was her friend, but Lauren had changed when she hit puberty and became obsessed with male genitalia. Malloy was dressed inappropriately for the weather in her tight American flag tank top and shorts that barely covered backside. That lady was all show and no decorum. She immediately started touching poor Jasper.

He decided to escape and left Edward and the other one with Lauren to be attacked by her feminine wiles. She didn't stand a chance. I think the guys were all dating. They dressed too nicely to be straight. Jasper darted across the street, weaving through the Forks High Marching Band. He almost took out a tuba player that was in his way. Poor Jasper must be terrified of breasts if he has to run from them.

"Miss Swan, I was thinking about my yard—" He started to say.

"You can do it yourself next time," I said. Jessica was looking at him in shock. The new men in town never made small talk. "This is Jessica Stanley. She owns the bakery near the bait shop."

"Hi!" Jessica squeaked.

Jasper barely nodded in her direction. God, he's rude.

"Miss Swan, I wanted to say thank you for talking care of the lawn. I was incredibly rude the other day. It's just not safe wandering in other people's yards. Next time, if you would like to stop by, please make sure I'm home." Jasper was staring again. I might have beer dripping down my face.

I shrugged. "No worries. I have work to do. I'm practically a hermit."

Jessica loudly said into her beer can, "Bullshit."

"I just think to be neighborly, we should make some ground rules," he said.

Ground rules? Could I only talk to him on Sundays? If I had a barbecue, must I make sure to make him a burger? Should I bury the rabbit heads in Jasper's grass next to his garage?

Before I could complain about Jasper's rules. Edward, the boyfriend, came up. "If it isn't the charming young lady who lives next to us."

That man was as pretty as his boyfriend.

Jasper narrowed his eyes, "Go back across the street or go home."

Looked like trouble in lovers' paradise with these two.

"I tried to stop him, Jasper!" The biggest of the boyfriends exclaimed. I wondered if the men would give me some insight on how their relationship worked. It might give an interesting new twist for my next novel. "Hello there, ladies. The name is Emmett McCarty. There is something about the women in this town."

It looked like he sniffed the air around us and then he grinned. Jasper and Edward looked like they were going to get in a fist fight. Lover's quarrels are never fun.

"So how long have you guys been together? Forks is a pretty progressive town for a small logging community." I smiled trying to break the tension.

Jasper's mouth dropped open. "Are you saying we're gay? We are _definitely_ not gay!"

I didn't like his tone. "There's nothing wrong with being gay! You are born that way and—"

"I didn't mean that! I'm not a bigot!" Jasper rubbed his head. "These are my brothers."

Jessica looked confused. "You sound nothing alike."

Ignoring the fact that I was talking about them in front of their faces like they weren't even there, I agreed, "True, Jess! Jasper sounds like he's from the South. Red over here is a Yankee. Ernie . . . No . . .Ellis—"

"It's Emmett, Bella Swan. We're adoptive brothers and my family comes from Tennessee." He wiggled his eyebrows at Jess. "I think ladies are scrumptious."

I punched her in the arm to stop her from swooning.

"Miss Swan, we should be going," Jasper said quickly. His gaze back on Edward.

Edward just ignored him and took my hand. "It's been a delight, Miss Swan. You are entirely too delectable."

He went to kiss the back of my hand and I could swear he licked me.

Jasper and Emmett grabbed and pulled Edward away from me.

"We need to get this one home. He has low blood sugar." Jasper looked stressed. "I'll be seeing you later."

"They looked like they wanted to ride you into next week," Jessica cackled in her megaphone voice. "I couldn't tell which one wanted a ticket to Bella Land the most."

My friend was a tad bit unladylike. I take that back. She was very unladylike.

I shook my head in disagreement. "It was like they wanted to eat me and not in a sexy way."

"You write too many horrible things, Bella. Your imagination is getting carried away again."

Except that maybe it wasn't. My neighbors could be cannibals. Oh shit.

XXXXXX

The next morning, I was a grumpy mess due to a lack of restorative slumber.

I twisted and turned. Images of Edward eating my femur mingled with Jasper chomping on my spinal cord. That Emmett was grinning like a loon and stirring up my body parts in a stew pot. It was some horrible visions my mind was conjuring. It would make a very frightening novella. I did ponder jotting the nightmarish thoughts down in the early morning hours.

The phone rang as I was pouring my first cup of coffee. I barked into the receiver, "What?"

"Honey? What are you up to?" My dad asked. It was way too early for him to be checking on me. He was on a boat somewhere in the ocean with Jake's dad, Billy. They said it was a retirement fishing trip, but I was leaning toward a lover's sailing expedition. Jake thought I was nuts, but weirder things could happen.

"Coffee."

"Oh right! It's early for you. Can you stay with Jake for a few days?" His voice grew serious. Charlie Swan was only serious when something bad happened.

I held my coffee cup tightly. "What is this about Dad? You don't want me to stay with Jake. He'll put the moves on me."

I was only partially joking, because a part of me was somewhat good with sleeping at Jake's or sleeping with him. My friend became attractive when he took over the Chief of Police position from my father and I was going through quite the dry spell with the men. I was becoming a hussy. I blame Jessica.

"Bella, this is important." My dad's voice was somber, like when he talked to me in high school about underaged drinking. I walked out onto the porch to grab the newspaper and saw Jasper standing in his yard. He was swinging a baseball bat at nothing and looking out at the street stoically. "Lauren Malloy is dead."

"What?" I almost dropped the phone. From the corner of my eye, I saw Jasper stop and look at me. "I just saw her yesterday."

"Jake called me about it. Billy and I are heading home to help with the investigation. She was murdered, honey. I just want to keep you safe," my dad said softly. "You're all I got, kid."

"I'll be fine, Dad." My mind was reeling with the news. Murder? In this town? Nothing happens here. "After breakfast, I'll see Jake."

The diner was where all the gossips congregated. I could get all the dirt on Lauren's death there. It looks like Cora's blueberry pancakes were in order.

I found myself looking at Jasper and he looked right back at me. I said my good-byes to my dad and, when I hung up, said, "Hey there, neighbor."

"Hey there, Miss Swan," he answered.

"It's Bella." I saw a flash of a smile appear. He had a lovely smile. It took me aback for a moment. "You want to go with me to breakfast at the diner?"

I just blurted it out on a whim. It must have been the shock of what occurred.

He looked surprised and was silent for a few minutes. Finally, Jasper answered, "That sounds nice."

There was a murder. If there was one thing I like better than writing scary stories, it was solving mysteries. I needed clues and food, so hanging out with an attractive man was just an added bonus. Hopefully, he wasn't a cannibal murderer. My luck with men meant he probably was.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Hey there.**

Chapter 3

He only got a cup of coffee. I think he took one sip.

"You're not hungry?" I questioned.

There was a good chance he ate brains with those brothers of his this morning with some fava beans. I would imagine it would fill a man up.

Jasper tapped his fingers on the stained table. It was a tune that I remember hearing when I was young when my dad watched old westerns. I would sit on the floor and use his knees as a backrest, while munching on popcorn.

He gave a tight smile. "Not really. You seem to really like pancakes."

My plate was almost empty, except for some crumbs and syrup that made a puddle around a lone strawberry. The unanswered questions of Lauren's demise made me hungry. "I'm a fan of fluffy cakes. You didn't have to come with me. I feel bad that you're here watching me eat."

His eyes went to my mouth when I popped in a strawberry. He swallowed and looked uncomfortable while watching me chew slowly. "No problem. I wanted to get out of the house."

"It must be hard living with family. I don't have siblings. It would probably be dreadful, because I'm a terrible at sharing things," I rambled.

There was no answer. Jasper just gave me an uncomfortable half smile and he looked at the paisley curtains. His fingers played with the fabric until he made an awful face and wiped his fingers with a napkin. He explained softly, "Those things are dusty."

I was impossible to get anything out of this guy. He was giving me nothing. How was I supposed to secretly interrogate him if he wouldn't open up with his stupid feelings? All I've got now is a marble piece of eye candy who won't drink some damn good coffee.

"Hey Cora, can I get a refill?" I asked my favorite waitress.

She snapped her gum and sauntered over with a wink. The beehive on her head was teased up high and harkened back to the days of sock hops and root beer floats after dates at the drive-in. "Sure you can, honey! Anything for your boyfriend? Chuck makes a fine western omelet."

Before I accidentally slipped and said that Jasper would prefer a finger omelet, he said snottily, "I'm not Miss Swan's boyfriend."

I was feeling slightly offended. I take that back. I was very offended.

"Thanks for the coffee, Cora." I took a sip and decided to be rude right back to my grouchy dining companion. "I make a wonderful girlfriend. One of those ones that are positively loving and supportive."

At least I thought so. Those couple of weeks that I dated Tyler in high school showed me that this could be true. Of course, I did dump him because he chewed funny. There is only so much a girl can take.

"Don't tell me that you're feeling upset about what I said! We aren't dating! I was just telling her the truth." He threw his hands up in the air.

I crossed my arms and glared at him. "It was the way you said it! It was like I was covered in boils and look like a troll!"

"You sure look nothing like a troll, Bella," he said. The look on his face made me feel flushed. Jasper shook his head and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath and blew it out like if he was performing downward dog at yoga. When he opened his eyes, he said bitterly, "What is wrong with you women? Always assuming the wrong thing! Alice was notorious for that."

"Who's Alice?" Answers! I was getting answers! It made me feel giddy.

He looked up at the ceiling. It appeared that he was lost in a memory. "My wife."

I was somewhat flirting with a married man. Damn it! "A wife? Super. How long have you kids been together?"

Jasper looked back at me startled. I think he finally realized what he admitted. "My ex. She lives in Italy now. You can say she met somebody that can give her everything."

There was drama and intrigue! My story telling heart loved this stuff. I perched my head on my hand and looked at him expectantly for more details. He just started ripping up a napkin.

There was several minutes of me staring at him and Jasper ripping up all the contents of the napkin dispenser.

"I guess you guys were all living in Italy?" I asked to break up the silence.

"No."

"Oh." I rubbed my eyes. "Is this a guessing game? I pick Hawaii."

"Bella, I don't want to be rude again. I promise you that I'm not meaning to be unpleasant. I just think it's in your best interest to not be so curious." He took my hand in his chilly ones. I wanted to buy him some gloves. "You need to stay away from my family."

"You came to breakfast with me!"

He shrugged. "I can't stay away from you."

This guy was giving me some wicked whiplash. I wished they sold mimosas or Bloody Mary's at this place. Jasper Whitlock drove me to drink.

"We lived in Alaska, lovely Miss Swan. The hunting is perfect. Did my big brother tell you about how much we love hunting?" Edward asked. He squeezed my shoulder. "Scoot over."

"You need to get out of my head, Cullen," Jasper hissed at his brother. "Where's Emmett?"

"He wanted to visit that bakery. Supposedly, there's a delicious smell coming out of there." Edward sat next to me and grinned at the fuming Jasper. I felt a hand on my knee. I pulled away before Edward could start kneading it. I think he wanted to stick his claws in me.

"Jessica has great buns over there," I said, as I watching the men have a secret conversation with their eyes.

Edward chuckled darkly. "Those were almost Emmett's exact words."

"Listen, Bella—" Jasper began, as he looked at me and then at his brother who was grinning madly. The blond looked worried.

My phone buzzed. Jake. Saved by the cop.

"That's the Chief needing to see me." I grabbed my wallet. "Here's some mon—"

Jasper took my hand. "My treat, Bella."

Edward took the other one. "I'll walk you to see the law."

"Get off of her!" Jasper's look was fiery.

I felt like I was going to be pulled apart by these brothers.

"It's across the street, boys. I'm good. Have a nice day." I pushed Edward and he reluctantly moved.

"Be safe, Bella." Jasper said. I felt like he meant it.

Edward gave me a wink. "Don't let anything bite, pretty girl."

There was definitely something wicked going on around here. I just need to figure what these two had to do with it.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Hi. Nice to see you again. **

Chapter 4

"So did you find her wrapped up in plastic, Agent Cooper?" I plopped down into an old, folding chair and placed my feet on Jacob's desk. The surface was covered in take-out boxes from the local Chinese restaurant and paperwork. Jake was staring at photos in front of him using a magnifying glass.

"Get your damn feet off my desk, woman!" He shrieked, covering the pictures with an old fishing magazine that my dad left behind. "I have important police business that I don't need you putting your dirty sneakers on!"

I liked making his tan skin turn bright red by getting him all riled up. I think it must be on the application to become the chief in this town. One must get irrationally cranky over non-issues. If he had more comfortable seating, I wouldn't have to use his desk for a footrest.

"Bella, I'm going to have Seth take you home. Lock your doors when you get there and I'll come get you later today." His handsome face looked stressed. "Please listen to me for once."

Instead of standing, I grabbed the take-out container off his desk and sniffed the contents. His fried rice smelled rancid. I tossed it in the trash. "Dude, this stuff is toxic! You need to throw it out! This is a police station and not a science lab."

"I really don't have time for this. Go home and pack a bag so you can stay with me." He rubbed his eyes tiredly. I understood how he felt. This was a quiet town and when things went bad, which was rare, it was as if the citizens didn't know how to handle it. There was a tendency for mass panic.

"I'm not going to stay with you. I know my dad means well, but I'm not a shrinking violet. I can shoot a gun better than you can," I pointed out. Truth be told, I needed to stay close to the cannibal bunch next door and there was no way I was going to tell Jake that.

"Bella—"

I grabbed the photos under the magazine before Jake could stop me. They were all of Lauren's corpse in the alley next to shopping plaza at the edge of town. The hair on her head was a matted mess. Her clothing was still trashy, but did not look touched. There was a wet spot on her jeans shorts where she had pee'd herself. Her normally tan skin appeared to be bleached white. Her throat was cut, but there wasn't even one small drop of blood around the wound. It was almost as if she—

"Jake! Where's the blood?"

The pictures were ripped away from my hands. "Miss Swan, this is a police investigation."

"Bullshit, Jacob Black! You know I can help! I write things like this for a living and do meticulous research!" I banged on his desk. "You need me!"

There was a momentary softness that appeared in his brown eyes. It reminded me of big, old cow eyes. They made me want to pet his head. "You know I do."

I wasn't expecting him to say that and in that way. It wasn't our usual obnoxious banter. Now I couldn't have sex with him. It wouldn't end well if he actually wanted a relationship. Not to mention, the pale guys next door were an issue. They were very attractive for being possible cannibals.

It was best if I immediately diffused the situation. "Of course, I do! I'm the brains around these parts. You need my superior skills of deduction and ability to find clues that no one else can."

"That's true," he agreed with an odd smile. "This is more than just Lauren. I think you might be too close to the situation."

I didn't care about Lauren. It was terrible that she was dead, but my feelings about the woman were pretty neutral. The exceptions being that I thought her fashion choices were horrible and the way she flirted made me laugh.

"I didn't kill Malloy, Jake."

"That's obvious, but Lauren isn't the only murder. There has been six others over the town line. Campers that have been found missing and later recovered in various states of decomposing." Jake rubbed his temple and grabbed an aspirin bottle. He poured a few into his mouth and washed it down with his coffee. "They are saying it could be bear attacks, but—"

"Your Spidey senses are telling you otherwise." I gave him the Spiderman hand signal we made up when we were little and read the comic books together. It was nice to see a smile added to his nod of affirmation. "What does this have to do with me?"

Jake's smile turned upside down. "You went on a date with the ghost guy."

"Who and what are you talking about, Sir? I don't date ghosts. They are unsatisfying lovers I should let you know."

"You are so weird, Swan," he said with a chuckle. "You went to breakfast with that Whitlock fellow. Jason saw you."

Jason Jenks had a big mouth and loved to gossip. The old lawyer looked like Mark Twain and had the gift of gab to match that famous writer.

"Jason needs to stay at the beauty salon with the rest of the old busy bodies! It was a simple breakfast. No biggie," I protested. "What does Jasper have to do with anything?"

Jake shrugged. "I have a hunch that he and those brothers of his know something about the murders. Seems odd that they roll into town and people die."

Cannibals. His thoughts jived with my theories. It was most likely Edward. He was a stalker type fellow. Emmett could be a possibility due to his wide girth. He looked like a boy who could eat.

Before I could share my thought with Jacob, the phone rang.

"Chief Black . . . Shit!" Jake listened with a stern expression. "I'll be right there!"

"What happened?" I asked, as Jacob stood up. I followed him to the door.

"There's a problem at the bakery. There's a body," Jake explained, his face tense.

Jessica. Emmett. Oh God!

"He ate Jess!"

"What?" Jacob yelled as I pulled him out of his office. "Who ate Jess?"

There was no time for questions. I needed to see what was left of my friend and go after that flirty, people eating giant.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Enjoy.**

Chapter 5

"What if they sautéed her spleen with butter?" I asked Jacob. We were entering Jessica's bakery with it's excess of pink, lace and doilies. It was the type of establishment that would look like it was owned by a little, old lady with pearls and blue hair. Instead, it was my buxom friend's pride and joy. Or it was, because that giant Emmett ate her.

Jacob sighed and looked annoyed. "Could you please stop telling me the ways that some imaginary group of cannibals are trying to eat our friend? I don't need to hear about her heart being baked in a soufflé! Not to mention, you are sick puppy coming up with this shit!"

"I write horror, dumb ass! My job is to come up with this shit!" I stuck my tongue out at him and stomped toward the kitchen. "If you had more imagination, you could solve crimes bigger than who stole the pie off the Weber's window sill."

"Fuck you, Swan!"

I took no offense. We bickered. It was our thing.

"Cannibals are no joke, Jacob Black! In fact—" I stopped dead in my tracks, next to where Seth Clearwater was watching the coroner gathering evidence on the body. That sure wasn't Jessica. "That isn't a woman!"

Seth looked at me with a grin and a lollipop sticking out of his mouth. He pulled out a large sucker and exclaimed, "It's Waylon, Bells! He still had one of those mini liquor bottles of vodka sticking out of his mouth!"

"Those bastard cannibals took his corroded, alcoholic liver. Damn them. I hope they get drunk off of it and throw up." I looked out at the poor man at my feet. His dirty overalls were covered in icing and he was as pale as snow.

"Bella, he still had his liver. His blood is gone, so that's weird." Seth shook his head sadly. "Vampires did this with their sharp, pointy teeth. How can anything ignore these delicious pastries and eat gross blood? It's just a travesty."

Seth Clearwater was a sugar addict to the highest degree, but as skinny as a rail. The pants of his police uniform barely stayed up even with a belt. He started sucking his lollipop with gusto.

"That's nonsense, Seth! Vampires aren't real, but are fictional characters created to scare. The real monsters are human!" I wrote fantastical characters and knew for a fact that they were completely fabricated to make me lots of money.

Jacob went to the body and looked at me with laughter in his giant bovine eyes. "You do realize that cannibals don't siphon blood out of a victim? Also, why would these so-called cannibals not take the body with them for their people feast? Both Waylon and Lauren were left without any blood, but all their body parts intact. I do thank you for the laughs. Your theories are stupidly funny."

The coroner muttered, "You are all a bunch of morons."

There was no way in hell that I was giving him the last laugh. "What about the campers?"

"That looks to be a different mystery," Jake the know-it-all said with an air of superiority.

Bullshit.

"In my professional opinion, as a writer of the macabre, that the cannibals extracted their blood to make a gravy to pour on whatever they hacked off of the campers to make dinner." I folded my arms and added, "Check and mate, Black."

"Oh my god! You're writing a book about cannibals, crazy!" Jacob groaned and threw his hands in the air. "We aren't your questionable research, Bella!"

Seth grabbed a cinnamon bun that sat on the counter and took a large bite. He munched and said, "Stop fighting, guys! Let's get along and eat buns!"

A piece of the pastries flew out of Seth's mouth and landed on my face.

"Clearwater, you're corrupting possible evidence! What if blood is on there?" Jake yelled at his deputy.

"Oh shit! Sorry, Jake!" The hapless deputy cried and threw the rest of the cinnamon bun back onto the tray.

This was ridiculous, because there was a bigger problem.

"Boys, Jessica is still missing! What if she's the rump roast?" I wanted to cry over her demise.

That made the coroner snort. The man stood and took off his gloves with a snap. He had quite a paunch around the middle. "Chief, there are two marks in the shoulder area. I'll take a closer look when we get Waylon back to the hospital. Jennie said the ambulance is backed up right now. A man got his hand stuck in a toilet over at the Gas and Go."

"Thanks, Greg," Jake said. He looked at me with a frown. "We'll find her, Bell."

That's when we heard the giggle. It was followed by a large guffaw. The sounds were coming from the walk-in fridge.

"What the hell are those noises?" I asked.

"Doc Greg and I heard it before. I thought Jess might be listening to the Howard Stern on the radio or something. It sounded dirty," Seth explained.

Jacob stared at the door as a happy yell and a husky grunt was heard from the other side. "Damn it, Seth! That's a porno going on in there and not a radio show!"

My large friend rushed to the door and threw it open. He stood there staring, frozen in place. I peered over Jacob's shoulder and looked at the most terrible sight. Jessica was naked and riding Emmett like a rodeo star on top of a boxes of fruit. She sang that Vanilla Ice song as she moved on top of him.

"My eyes!" I cried out.

Jessica stopped and turned to me. Her face flushed red in embarrassment.

Emmett grinned at me and slapped Jessica's butt. "I knew she had a nice pair of buns!"

"Oh Emmett!" She exclaimed. Her mouth pushed against his in a scorching kiss.

It would have been hot if I wasn't sexually frustrated and slightly jealous that my friend was getting some loving.

Motioning toward the door, I said to Jake, "You take care of this. I'm going outside and try to forget that mess in the refrigerator."

XXXXXX

Moments later I sat at the little bistro table that sat outside of Jessica's shop. A gentle drizzle fell on my head as I looked at my gray and grungy town. I would pay for a moment of sunshine right now.

"They couldn't hear a person being murdered? What kind of sexual Olympics were those pervs doing in there?" I muttered my questions to myself.

"Lovely Bella, why are you sitting out in the rain? We wouldn't want you to catch your death out here." Edward sat across from me and took my hand. He kissed the back of it and took a big whiff.

The hot guy was all sorts of creepy.

"The death is catching inside," I explained. Jasper wasn't hovering around. "I see you lost your brother."

Edward grinned like the Cheshire Cat. "Gave Jasper the slip. I needed to see a delectable, young woman about dinner this evening. I know a place that we can be alone to enjoy each other's company."

His stare was off-putting mostly when he added a lick of his lips.

"Busy." My answer was simple and direct. Take the hint, Buckaroo.

"You went to breakfast with Jasper," he stated. His perfect lips were in a child-like pout. Poor baby was going to remain disappointed.

I shrugged and wiped the rain that was hitting my eyes. "There were witnesses around. I'm pro chaperone."

"I could ask Emmett to join us." There was a sparkle to his yellow eyes.

"He's busy having sex with my friend in a fridge while a murder is being investigate in the next room. I think he's occupied at the moment."

Edward laughed. "Your friend is just his type. He likes the sweet and tart ones."

"She's not an apple! Stop talking about people like they're your food. It's weird, dude." I stood with Edward mirroring my actions. "Jacob needs my help."

"Darling, you are something I would love to eat." He touched the tip of my nose. "Dress in blue tonight. You are lovely in blue."

I step back and glared. "No thanks."

"I'll be there at eight sharp."

"That would be past my dinnertime, Ed. I'll be finished my mac and cheese already," I countered.

"Seven then. I bid you adieu!" He bowed and headed down the street.

Asshole.

"Bella, can we talk?" The voice was right behind me and whispered in my ear. I jumped in surprise and turned to find Jasper's handsome face starring at me.

Damn, another creeper. There was no escape.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: This is some silly vampire stuff. There is nothing rational in it. I just want to be goofy and I'm doing it with this story. **

**Also, I added Edward with Bella and Jasper in this story****'****s characters. I like to keep you all guessing.**

Chapter 6

Jasper Whitlock led me to a nearby alley. It was only a bit less freaky than if he dragged me into the farthest reaches of the darkest woods.

"You need to stay away from us," he demanded. My body was pressed up against the wall and his chest touched mine. It would have been hot if I he wasn't scaring the shit out of me.

I pushed trying to get him to back up, but he was like a brick wall. Jasper wouldn't budge. I let out a grunt and Jasper's angry facade faded. He arched a single eyebrow and a smirk appeared. He said quietly, "How's that working out for you, tiger?"

"Fuck you and move." I pushed harder and slammed into his forehead. "Damn it! That hurt! Listen, buddy, I'm not the one searching you crazies out! Every time I turn around, you weirdos are there!"

Jasper moved barely an inch away from me. The look on his face made me think that Mr. Know-It-All realized that I had a point.

He shut his eyes and sighed. "You are correct, Bella. All of our intentions toward you are very different. You must try to have some sort of caution when you perform your errands."

"You want me to shoot the lot of you? I'm an expert in firearms. I can take you out with a shotgun so I can buy frozen dinners at the grocery store." I gave him a wink and was rewarded with a scowl.

"Can't you take anything seriously, Miss Swan? A date with my brother is a dangerous proposition!" Jasper placed a hand on my neck and rubbed his fingers down it.

"I didn't say yes to your nutty brother!"

"My nutty brother won't take a no for an answer!" Jasper put his forehead on mine. "He can feel your interest in him. There's an attraction there."

"He's cute, dude! So are you! I'm not planning on doing the horizontal mambo with either of you conceited assholes!" I needed gin. Sure it wasn't even close to lunch time, but these guys made me wanted to start extremely early. It had to be happy hour somewhere.

Jasper nose was so close to mine that I was expecting an Eskimo kiss. "Promise me that you won't go with him. You could be at risk."

"I see you're admitting he's the Hungry Hippo Cannibal Killer!"

Eureka! I solved the crime!

"What are you talking about? Why are you talking about hippos that are hungry?" Jasper pulled his head away and looking extremely frustrated.

When I came up with that name, I believed that I was extremely clever. It would be perfect for the book I would be writing based on the true story of the cannibals that were terrorizing Forks. How the hell could Jasper Whitlock not understand what I was talking about? Every child in the world once had that game.

"I will be getting you the Hungry Hippo game for Christmas if you don't turn out to be a cannibal like your brother." I ignored his offended stared. "We need to turn your brother into the almost capable authorities. Jacob would like to arrest an actual criminal. If you are in fact a cannibal, I should warn you that I am an expert in the ancient and deadly martial arts."

I was an expert in watching Kung Fu movies actually. A black belt in stabbing pretty, daffodil colored eyes with my keys. He should be worried about my lethalness with a Q-Tip in the ear. I would rupture his ear drum like a Jedi master.

"My brother isn't a cannibal murderer!" Jasper moved away and started pacing. "He doesn't eat flesh! I mean of all the crazy—"

Jasper was mumbling intelligibly and I started to tiptoe away. No need for more crazy in my life. I was done with all this mess.

He grabbed my arm to make me stop. "Do you have any sort of self-preservation?"

"Of course! That's why I was trying to sneak away, crazy curls!" I tried to step on his toe, but it was like stepping on a big piece of rock. "I just want my quiet life back!"

"Bella, I know I'm giving you mixed messages, but you attract—"

I pushed his chest with my finger. "Cannibals."

"We aren't that type of monster. You know what we are!"

He fucking sniffed me again.

"Cannibals, you liar!" I pushed him hard and my body moved, but the brick wall of a man wouldn't budge. "You and your bizarre brothers describe your neighbors as yummy, You like to sniff everybody who walks by. The pancakes at the diner aren't good enough for you!"

"You have to see it! What we are!" Jasper put his mouth next to mine. "Say it, Miss Swan."

"Annoying cannibals that need to back off."

Jasper groaned. "For someone who seems so smart—"

"Your flattery makes me think you want to kiss me or bite off my lips as a mid-morning snack." I wished like an idiot that he would want to kiss me.

Damn it, I was easy.

"I wasn't thinking about kissing you." Jasper originally seductive face was looking more sinister.

Mother fucker. I decided to diffuse the situation with a joke.

"I don't want my mouth to be chomped off. I think you should let me go see Jacob." I tried to wiggle away. "He always looks eager for kissing."

"No way will he be kissing you!" Jasper pressed his mouth on mine.

It was aggressive. It was sexy. His tongue danced with mine. I wanted to consume this golden rod eyed man who was seducing me with his mouth.

Jasper pulled away slightly with a surprised look on his face. He said softly, "Wow."

"Wow," I agreed, He made me breathless.

"I'm so bad for you." His mouth said into mine.

"I would be so _very_ good for you," I countered, because I have zero inhibitions and need a brain transplant.

Jasper pulled away and shook his head. "The kissing was wrong! It is against nature and the heavens above that we—"

"You really need to just come out of the closet. That kiss was pretty great, but it's okay that you didn't like it. I know you say you aren't gay, but it will feel better if you let yourself be who you really are. That's the real reason your marriage ended, right?"

No matter how great I thought that kiss was, I would have to respect that he just wasn't feeling murders could be happening, because he was ignoring what he was really was. I could be the bridge that could help him find his inner truth!

I took his hand and continued to be the support he needed. "Technically, Deputy Seth isn't gay. Though I believe that he probably is, because he barely glances at Victoria Secret catalogues. That man has a kind and gentle demeanor and I think you would be an adorable couple! I can set you up!"

A growl interrupted from Jasper. "I'm _not _gay! I want to be bury myself into you!"

Damn.

He pushed his mouth into my neck and rubbed his lips on my skin. A series of unintelligible mumbles and hums came out of him. I squeezed his butt to get his attention.

"You want to have sex in the alley? It's a little risky and it would be a lie to say I'm not a little tempted." He looked up from my neck with eyes of black. It was scary. My body became rigid. "I'm not that type of girl. Maybe, we should—"

"You are an evil siren that has come to tempt me into destruction!" Jasper cried out and as he moved, I stumbled from the sudden release of his arms. I tripped on a soda can and landed on a trash can. It fell to the ground with a large crash and I found myself sitting on a pile of trash.

"Damn it, Jasper! That's going way too far!" I yelled and gave him a one finger salute.

He looked mortified. "I'm so sorry! Sometimes I forget my own strength! Let me help you up! Are you okay?"

I ignored the hand that he held out to me. "I don't care about falling on a trash can! I tripped! I care about being called being evil by a confusing guy who might be a serial killer!"

"I am _not _a serial killer." Then he tried to give me a smile. "I have no love for Cheerios or Rice Krispies."

"Was that supposed to be a joke?" I wiped a banana peel off my ass.

Jasper looked at his feet in embarrassment. "Yes. I've been told that I'm a natural comedian."

"You are the most confusing person that I have ever met and that is saying something given that my mother is a whirling dervish of emotions," I stated with a scowl.

My mother, Renee was certifiably insane. Last time I heard anything about her, it was that she was mediating in a sweat lodge in New Mexico with some guy named Phil. I hoped they were happy and really stinky with sweat.

"If it helps any, I'm trying hard not to be confusing. I don't like feeling like this," he admitted.

"It doesn't." I started to walk past him. All I wanted was a shower and a beer. My evening plans were getting wasted and watching old _One Tree Hill_ episodes on DVD. "I'm going to make things very easy for you, Jasper. You leave me alone and I'll do the same for you."

"Edward?"

"Can kiss my ass. Not literally or anything, but I don't want anything to do with him either." I felt his fingers brush my shoulder. I should call him the Whiplash Kid, because he sure was giving it to me.

"Bella?"

I looked back at him with a sigh.

He looked sheepish. "There's a large, brown stain on the back of your pants."

Damn it.

XXXXXX

I might be slightly tipsy. I decided beer wasn't enough after a morning of dead bodies, watching Jessica have sex in a refrigerator, and making out with Jasper. It was gin time.

"Nathan, you know you love Haley!" I yelled at the screen. My gin and tonic sloshed over the edge of the glass and onto my dirty Yale sweatshirt. "I'll save you, gin!"

I tried to suck the gin off my sweatshirt and it was pretty disgusting.

My nights now consist of watching teenage dramas and yelling at the handsome boy on the screen. I would completely pick Nathan over Lucas. My _One Tree Hill _obsession knew no bounds of rational thought. I would pick the love triangles of teenagers over _Masterpiece Theater _any day. They should have never ended my show. It was a travesty!

There was a knock at the door and I started swearing like a sailor with scurvy. I clutched my gin and tonic tightly, as I opened the door. I mumbled, "What?"

It was Edward in all his red headed, pretty boy glory. He wore a tux and held out a bouquet of red roses. "You look like a beaut . . . Where's your blue dress? The one that dips in the front!"

He didn't look impressed with my alluring combination of stained sweatshirt and basketball shorts that I stole from Jake. Shorts that were too big. I hiked them up before I showed Edward my threadbare underwear. That was when I noticed a big spot of guacamole on my breast. Edward was fixated on my guacamole boob. I missed my damn mouth again.

"Blue dress? Have you been sneaking in my closet, you cat-eyed creeper?" I asked, as my words slurred together making me sound like I was speaking a different language. I guess I sounded Russian.

"Cat eyes?"

I giggled. "They're the color of piss!"

"That's not very ladylike, Isabella!" He pushed the roses into my hand and I spilled my gin again. "Get changed."

"No way, pissy. I have a date with Nathan Scott." I tried to close the door on him and he refused to budge.

Edward hissed, "Who is this Nathan Scott? Has he defiled you?"

"He's a fictional character on a TV show! Do you live under a rock?"

"Oh." Edward sniffed my chest. "You reek like a distillery!"

I groaned. "Stop smelling me! It's disturbing! Since I smell like a vat of alcohol, you can happily leave!"

He seemed to ponder my request for a moment, but then his eyes narrowed and he hissed, "I think Jasper is around here somewhere. Will you please join me for dinner? I promise it will be a night to remember."

"No thanks, Prince Cannibal Charming. I don't feel like being eaten."

Edward had the audacity to laugh at me. "Jasper did say you have a delusional cannibal obsession! You are a silly creature, Isabella Swan!"

"You know that flattery works better to get what you want, right?" I was done with this conversation.

"I promise not to bite, Isabella," Edward said with a bow. Of course, he had to add with a wicked twinkle in his eye, "Unless you ask me to. I promise you'll love every moment of it, sweetheart."

He was evil. It was really attractive. He could be as sexy as Jasper. It wasn't if I was in a relationship with Jasper. I was single and ready to drunkenly mingle. I could go on weird dates with possible serial killers. The alcohol is telling me to do it.

"I'm wearing this. I have pepper spray in my purse. You better have booze." I sneered and pushed past him and out the door.

I heard Nathan Scott in the background. "Haley James, I love—"

Haley should just run away. There's no such thing as love. All there is are a series of questionable rendezvous that I've been having with possible murderers.

I guess it makes life exciting. Maybe the writers of my favorite teen dramas should use my real life experiences. Actually, my life is stranger than fiction.

He took my arm like he was a gentleman, but I think it was more likely he was trying to keep me from running back into the house. "Your chariot awaits, my delectable morsel."

I dug my heels into the dirt and made both of us jerk to a stop. "Really? I should shank you with the manicure scissors I have in my purse. Those tiny terrors are incredibly sharp!"

Edward started laughing harder. "It was a joke! You think I'm a cannibal, so I thought we can make it our own private joke!"

"You are only slightly funnier than your brother," I pointed out with an eye roll.

I saw Edward's mouth move like he was chewing a piece of gum, but I realized he was talking and looking up at a tree.

"Did you just say something about Jasper?"

Edward's head turned sharply. "You saw me talking?"

I just shrugged, obviously the crazy in him extended to talking to himself. I headed toward his overpriced, black car. "I thought you drove your Mom's Volvo?"

Edward gave me a sharp look. "Esme drives a BMW, of course! What's wrong with the Vanquish?"

It looked like a whole lot of money for a car. I wasn't impressed.

"I'm a Honda girl."

"I have so much to teach you, Isabella." He kissed the inside of my wrist before I sat in the car.

After Edward closed the door behind me, I saw him give the tree a finger. Obviously, Edward wasn't an environmentalist, liked gas guzzling cars, and was a possible serial killer. This should never work and probably wouldn't.

All I could say was that you only live once and after this date there was a good chance I would end up dead. Positive thinking and all that jazz. I hope Edward had some whiskey.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: A chapter done. Finally.**

**Thank you and enjoy.**

Chapter 7

One sobers up quickly when sitting next to a potential serial killer in a car. What seemed like a hilarious idea when completely wasted loses the silliness when the handsome man next to you has an expression on the face that could be characterized as a rabid dog foaming at the mouth.

"You should probably watch the road when you're driving, Mr. Cullen," I pointed out. My quasi-date was too busy looking at me and not where he was going.

I was huddled against the door of car and trying to not have a full blown panic attack as I kept on eye on Cujo and the other on the twisty road that we were traveling on. The car was going so fast that I was feeling slightly nauseous.

His hand went to my knee and he stroked it like he was calming a frightened animal. "Worry not, sweet child. My driving skills are impeccable. Please call me Edward. You will be calling it out enough tonight."

A pervy, insane person. Oh what fun.

"We're the same age, Ed. Don't call me a child," I complained.

I thought we might be the same age. He had the youthful complexion of a teenager that wasn't cursed with acne.

He started to chuckle. "You have no way to grasp my true age, my delectable treat."

Teenager, cannibal horn-ball was my educated guess at how old Skippy was. I was probably his dream of a cougar dinner. I really needed to be back at home. I glanced at the door and tried to figure out the best way to unlock the it and escape. If I was in the back seat, the crazy next to me would have the child locks on and I was just going to be waiting for my doom in expensive, leather seats. At least in the front I could jump out of the car and to my freedom.

My plan was fairly faulty. At the speed that my crazy suitor was going, I would probably become roadkill or at the very least get a nasty pair of skinned knees.

All of a sudden, we took a sharp turn and drove off the road and into the woods. I was bouncing all over the car as he hit every stone and root that was on the ground. We almost hit about a dozen, giant trees like we were the ball in a pinball game. A badly played pinball game.

"Slow it down there, student driver." I fell face first into his lap and scrambled upright.

He smirked at me. "I did tell you to wear your seatbelt for your own safety."

"Obviously, being drunk also impairs my ability to be a passenger," I retorted. "The fact you can't drive sober is just sad, dude."

"You are much more charming when you're sober, Miss Swan." His eyes narrowed like a cat. It was a fitting description, because their golden color was feline like and creepy as hell.

The car pulled into a field filled with candles and there was a bistro table that was covered with a table cloth. It was lacy and looked like something I would find in my grandmother's attic.

Edward shut off the car. He looked so proud and puffed up like a peacock. "My dark angel, your romantic feast awaits."

"Buddy, this field is officially a fire hazard." There was a breeze. Those candles started swaying in the glass holders that held them in the grass. This place was close to being the beginning of a forest fire.

"It's a meadow, not some plebeian field!" He admonished. Edward threw open his door and stomped away in a huff.

I should have just stayed home. There was ice cream there.

Reluctantly, I got out of the car to approach Edward. He was slumped in one of the chairs at the table using a fork to stab what appeared to be beef wellington. It was a very cold and slimy looking beef wellington. I think it might have sat out all day. There was an awful smell. I was going to get food poisoning.

I would have just stole his car and drove away, but unfortunately he took the damn keys with him.

"Crazy, we should just call it a night." I think its best to be honest in these situations. "I agreed to this to piss off Blondie."

"How do you know Rosalie? My sister would not associate with the likes of you, darling. She has a deep aversion to brunettes." He looked so confused.

Maybe his eyes were yellow because of jaundice? In the candlelight they looked like pee.

"I meant Jasper."

"Oh . . . Listen, love—" He stood and grabbed my hand. Love? He was too uptight to smoke pot, but he had to be on something wacky to say things like that. "Enjoy your final meal before becoming my eternal bride."

"Nope. Nada. Non. No fucking way, buckaroo," I answered as I started backing away slowly. Edward Cullen had a one-way ticket to Crazy Town and there was no way I was heading with him.

He stood dramatically and bowed. "You have been my destiny since the moment you were born. I thought I had met you in previous incarnations, but it was all for naught. Those previous attempts to secure my mate only led to carnage and my broken heart. Until we came to this downtrodden, little town and I saw my love. You, Isabella Swan, are my love."

This guy couldn't stop talking. The words coming out of him were disturbing and, to be truthful, extremely offensive to my town. I could make fun of it as much as I wanted. Edward was in no position to. He was a newcomer and they weren't allowed any opinion at all.

"I think that you need someone to talk to about all these confusing feelings that you're having. Dr. Jackson is a wonderful therapist and can prescribe you—"

Edward was in front of me and then, a moment later, my back was up against his chest with his arms wrapped around me. His mouth was against my neck.

"Isabella, it will be only three days of some . . . Slight discomfort. After we shall feast, wed, and you shall deflower me on a bed of roses." The guy was handsome, but there was no way I was going to make him a man. First, this was a completely messed up situation. Second, he would only last three-seconds. It was completely not worth it.

"Edward, this is so dum—"

His mouth pressed against my neck, but it was brief sensation. I found myself flying through the air and striking a tree with my body. My head really hit the trunk hard.

"Ow!" I yelled.

"Sorry," Jasper apologized. His hands were around Edward's neck. "Are you hurt, Bella? Bleeding?"

I felt the back of my head. It hurt bad. "My brain might be broken."

Edward spat, "If she was bleeding, you would know."

"Don't even talk to me. You were going to drain her dry! You always mess it up, Edward," Jasper said angrily.

I stood up slowly. My head was so dizzy. I felt like a human version of that children's toy, The Wibble Wobbles. Though I was pretty certain if I fell that I would't be getting back up again.

"Oh God, you guys are the murderers!" I tried to run, but that didn't work out too well. I landed on my face. Blades of grass were in my mouth and I tried to spit them out.

Jasper helped me up. I tried to get away, but he held me tight. "I promise you that we aren't the killers. There is so much I need to explain to you."

There was a sincerity in his eyes, but I wasn't sure I could believe it. These brothers were a questionable bunch of nuts.

"You're interrupting our engagement!" Edward stomped his foot and pouted. He was such a baby. "How did you get here anyway?"

"You mean make it barely in time? Making Emmett sit on me was just wrong!" Jasper complained. "I had to tickle him to get him off!"

Maybe this was a dream? It had to be.

"Emmett believes in me! He knows that my love for this human is possibly real!" Edward's face was the picture if a temper tantrum throwing toddler.

Human? What was he? An alien from Mars? Edward must have multiple personalities.

Jasper laughed. "He thinks you're a joke! He's making fun of you, idiot!"

I think I needed a nap. I slumped against my rescuer and potential killer. I yawned. "Sleepy."

"Give me the car keys," Jasper demanded. I was in the crook of his arm and he held out his other hand to Edward.

"I want to take her home!" Edward was about to say more, but the sound of howl was nearby.

Jasper looked toward the sound. His expression was worried. "We have no time to bicker. You run faster and I drive better."

Edward looked reluctant, but ended up giving Jasper the keys.

"Why can't he ride with us if there's wild animals out here?" I inquired. "Where's your car?"

Jasper picked me up and carried me to the car. I didn't care, because my legs felt like they were filled with lead. After he placed me in the passenger seat, he whispered, "He was going to take a bite out of you. I can think of more pleasant activities to do with you using our mouths."

He ignored my question about his car. Emmett must have dropped him off.

"Have a nice run, Ed!" I called out as he headed down the road. Jasper's mouth seemed to have more experience.

"Bella . . . What do you know about vampires?" Jasper asked quietly.

I leaned my head against the cool glass of the car window. My brain was throbbing painfully. "Stupid fable that is scientifically impossible."

"Vampires are real."

"Sure." I giggled at his awful joke and looked out of my window. There was a wolf wearing an eyepatch.

Yep. I'm still drunk.


End file.
